The Celebrity Autopsy

 

 

 

 I noticed that...

 

Companies Say The Darndest Things

 

 

Such as...

 

  

 

 

 

 

 

Darndest Thing #1 

Succulent

 

This word is frequently used in restaurant commercials

 

 

 

 

 

 

I can't recall ever using that word

 

 

 

Which is a great segway into our next feature...

 

 

 

 

Conversations that have never taken place in the history of the universe

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anyway, "succulent" sounds like a parasitic swamp creature

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Darndest Thing #2

Plan

 

Whenever a company mentions the word plan, you know you're in for some serious ass fucking

 

 

 

 

Companies use plans to convolute and complicate details so the customer never realizes where the dick in their ass came from

 

 

 

 

Type of Plan #1

Warranty Plans

 

Remember the good ol' days when companies would help you if a product they sold you stopped working?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I don't either.

 

 

 

 

If you want a company to help you, you have to purchase a warranty plan.

 

Here is a copy of Dell's warranty plan

 

 

Who reads this bulllshit?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here is what the Dell warranty should say.

 

   

  

 

In other words, if the piece of shit I bought from you turns out to be a piece of shit, then give me another piece of shit that's not a fucking piece of shit

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Type of Plan #2

Cell Phone Plan

 

Cell phone companies are always trying to sell you a plan

 

 

And every time I leave the cell phone store, my ass hurts

 

 

 

Here is a copy of Verizon's easy-to-comprehend plan

 

Are you fucking kidding?

 

 

 

 

How about this for a plan...

 

 

I'll pay you the same amount of money every month,

 

 

and in return I can do whatever I want on my phone for as long as I want

 

 

 

Here's an even better plan..

 

 

 

 

Go fuck your mother

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Type of Plan #3

Insurance Plan

Any time an insurance company mentions a plan, you better run as fast as possible

 

 

Because insurance companies don't just fuck you in the ass.

 

 

 

 

Insurance companies drill new holes in your body so they can fuck you in ways that were previously impossible.

 

 

 

 

 

Let's say you purchase a house.

 

 

 

Here's what the insurance companies have planned for you

 

 

 

 

1. Title insurance

Title insurance is purchased by the bank to ensure clear title on the property.  The cost of the insurance is added to the closing costs and is paid by the homeowner.

 

 

 

 

2. Homeowner's insurance

The bank will require you to purchase this insurance, which covers the structure against damage, as long as the damage is not caused by water, wind, or earthquake.  But if a big, bad wolf happens to blow your house in, you'll be covered.

 

 

 

 

3. Content insurance

This insurance covers all of the shit that is in your house.  Of course, the warranty plan that we purchased earlier should cover this also, so homeowner's insurance is not really necessary.  However, this coverage is usually integrated with the homeowner's policy, so you have no choice.

 

 

 

 

 

4. Liability insurance

If some clumsy asshole falls and breaks his neck in my house, why is that my fault?

 

 

 

 

 

5. Flood insurance

The most common, as well as the most destructive, force on earth is water.  So naturally, insurance companies do not cover damage caused by water unless you spend more money on a special policy just for water damage.

 

 

 

 

 

 

6. Hurricane/Earthquake insurance

Oh, please sell me another insurance plan!  Five just isn't enough! 

 

 

 

 

Insurance companies are also guilty using the next load of bullshit

 

 

 

 

 

 Darndest Thing #3

We can save you money

 

All companies claim to be cheaper than their competitors

 

For example

 

 

/

21st Century insurance say that they are on average $485 cheaper than the other insurance companies.

 

 

 

 

 

 

However, Geico claims that they are 15% cheaper than everyone else.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And Progressive can save you $475.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And this one can save you 20%

 

 

 

 

 

 

But don't worry! State Farm is 40% cheaper.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Which brings us back to 21st Century, which claims to be $457 cheaper than State Farm.

 

 

 

In other words, every insurance company is cheaper than every other one.

 

 

 

Think about that statement.  One company being cheaper would imply that another company is more expensive.

 

 

 

So how can every insurance company be cheaper?

  

There are two possible answers

 

 

 

 

a)  Normal concepts of logic and reason do not apply to insurance companies

 

or

 

b)  Insurance companies are filthy liars who rape kittens

 

 

 

Actually, either answer would work

 

 

 

 

 

 

Darndest Thing #4

No pain reliever is better

 

Pain reliever ads frequently make this claim

Sounds impressive

 

 

 

If nothing relieves pain faster than Advil,

 

that means that everything relieves pain as fast as Advil,

 

which means that there is no difference between any of the pain relievers.

 

 

 

 

 

So the ad should say...

  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Darndest Thing #5

Fun colors

Companies love to claim that their products come in a variety of "fun" colors

 

 

Whether its...

fingernail polish...

 

 

 

 

cell phones...

 

 

 

 

or insulin pump cases...

 

 

 

 

Colors are NOT fun.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Snorting coke up a whore's ass crack is fun

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Colors are not fun.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 Darndest Thing #6

It's Free

 

As far as I'm concerned, the word free means I get something without having to do anything in return

 

 

However, companies don't see it that way

 

 

 

Load of Shit #1

Buy One Get One Free

 

 

 

 

You don't get one free.  You get two for half price.

 

If I have to spend money on it...

 

 

It's Not Free

 

 

 

 

 

Load of Shit #2

It's Free Except Shipping and Handling

 

So it's free but I have to pay you to give it to me

 

 

 

Fuck you

 

 

 

Load of Shit #3

The Information is Free

 

Companies will actually brag about not charging you to tell you how much they are going to charge you

 

 

I'm so sick of this mother fucker

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

I feel much better now

 

 

 

 

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