Toilet Paper
We seldom think of the soft strips of paper that we run up the crack of our asses in an on-going effort to prevent our assholes from become a raw, bloody mess
However, toilet paper has contributed considerably to our modern standard of living.
Let's have a closer look.
Before the invention of toilet paper, people simply wiped their asses with whatever was handy
Joseph Gayetty was the first person to sell paper for the sole purpose of cleaning our bung holes. Mr. Gayetty introduced his toilet paper in 1857, which had the inventor's name watermarked on each sheet.
Actual ad for Gayetty's toilet paper
This period in history was the last time that most American men would allow Gayetty near their assholes
Today, 26 billion rolls of toilet paper are sold in the United States each year.
That makes toilet paper a 2.4 billion dollar market.
With that kind of money at stake, companies will go to great lengths to have to opportunity to clean your stink hole.
Which is the reason we have...
The Toilet Paper Mascot
Some corporate douche bag has determined that if their toilet paper has a cute mascot, you are more likely to clean your turd cutter with it.
Charmin's mascot is a bear, which plays on the adage, "Does a bear shit in the woods?"
That one is understandable.
Of course you have to ask yourself,
Does a bear wipe his ass with Charmin in the woods?
I don't think so.
Cottonelle's mascot is a puppy.
How can a puppy help me with pucker cleanliness?
If I ate enough gravy, maybe the puppy will lick it clean.
Maybe I can run the puppy up the crack of my shitter and then use his snout to get in there really deep for those hard to find nuggets.
Angel Soft's mascot is a dead baby.
I don't understand this one at all.
I only wipe my ass with live babies
Naturally, we will now recommend some mascots that would make more sense
Proposed Mascot: Tapeworm
I can't think of a better mascot for toilet paper than the little boy that lives in your bowels.
Who else knows more about toilet paper than the little pal that lives in your poop
The dude that lives in your dookie would be a perfect mascot
On every package would be a picture of the gentleman that lives in your grunt
We could start a nation-wide ad campaign starring the lady that lives in your loaf
Enough of that
Proposed Mascot: Nancy Pelosi
Whenever I see Nancy Pelosi, I want to drop a tree trunk on the floor and mold a barn yard animal with it.
This has nothing to do with her political beliefs.
All politicians are self-serving, lying fart sniffers.
It's just that Nancy Pelosi's face moves my bowels like an eight-ball full of cut.
Proposed Mascot: Peanut and Corn
No explanation necessary
Companies love to fabricate creative ways to sell a ordinary product
Of course, these so called "new and improved" features are complete bullshit
For example...
Charmin has the "no dingleberry" feature
Your choice of toilet paper has nothing to do with your dingleberry count
Here are some tips on how to reduce dingleberries
Dingleberry Tip #1
Shave your ass hair
Dingleberry Tip #2
There is no tip number 2
Just shave your fucking ass
Charmin also offers you this...
Charmin Lotion
This paper is impregnated with hand lotion.
This product has a glaring flaw
The progressive increase in friction between the toilet paper and your asshole
is what tells us when we are finished wiping.
The following formula clearly demonstrates this property
Adding lotion to the paper reduces the rectal friction, thus adding a degree of
uncertainty to the entire process.
There have been reports of people wiping their asses for up to four hours
straight in a vain attempt to achieve to sought after sphincter friction.
Charmin Comfort
OK. It's comfortable. Very nice.
Charmin Ultra Soft
It's ULTRA comfortable. I guess this is for those people who need more than just comfortable.
And it's not soft.
It's not Extra Soft.
It's not Super Soft.
It's Ultra Soft.
As in "It's not humanly possible to get any softer than this."
As in "You would have to wipe your ass with a mosquito fart to get softer than this."
Charmin Ultra Strong
This is for people who frequently get shit under their fingernails.
These people don't care about soft.
They are willing to endure a Brillo pad as long as they don't end up elbow deep in anus because their hand broke through their weak toilet paper.
So I have a choice to make
I can have juicy toilet paper...
OR I can have no dingleberries...
OR I can have soft, comfortable toilet paper...
OR I can have strong toilet paper.
Why can't I have all of those things?
Never mind. Where's the Slinky?
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Please leave your complaints here.
Name: jennifer
E-mail:
Date posted: December 08, 2009 - 12:02 pm
Message: wow, you try extremely hard! and the saddest part, you're extremely corny! Listen dude, you need to stop wasting your time thinking about what to write next, spending hours worrying about whether or not its funny enough, feel insecure etc. What you need is a life, maybe you need a girlfriend? I'm just trying to help...
Name: Leisa
E-mail:
Date posted: November 05, 2009 - 11:12 pm
Message: i think Jamie likes you very much.
I want to print this and put it in the paper aisle at Publix. Stand back, and see how the public responds. Which paper will they choose?
I'm very wary of the lotion now.
Name: Julia
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Date posted: November 02, 2009 - 10:29 pm
Message: I totally just died from laughter.
Name: jamie
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Date posted: October 29, 2009 - 12:02 am
Message: you're a fucktard motherfucker shitface fucking asshole. religions are not a joke. don't simply put quran as a joke. go fuck yourself LOSER
Name: Ann
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Date posted: October 28, 2009 - 11:34 am
Message: Your are a fucking Nut!
Name: GetajobJesus
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Date posted: October 28, 2009 - 10:05 am
Message: Man, that's some funny "shit". You have a warped mind! That's what I like about you best.
Name: Christ-o-fuck
E-mail:
Date posted: October 28, 2009 - 06:33 am
Message: Hey dildo. Go fuck yourself
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