The Celebrity Autopsy

 

Christmas can viewed from two perspectives

 

 

 

 

 

There's the traditional view of Christmas

which is the celebration of the birth of Jesus Christ

 

 

 

 

And there's the secular view of Christmas

which is the celebration of the arrival of Santa Claus

 

 

 

 

The battle between traditional and secular views is known as the culture war

 

 

 

 

 

Commentator Bill O'Reilly writes extensively about the culture war in his book...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The time has come to end the culture war once and for all

 

 

 

 

The time has come to combine the traditional and the secular view of Christmas into one cohesive mythical character

 

 

 

That's right!

 

 

 

It's time for...

Santa Christ

 

 

Santa Christ not only died for your sins, he also provides no payments for six months and a low introductory rate of 2.9%

 

 

 

 

The entire story of Christmas can be rewritten to satisfy the both the traditionalists and the secularists

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

As the sun set on the desert sands, three wise men dutifully traveled, guided by the North Star

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The vastness of the desert made the search difficult, but suddenly a small manger became visible on the horizon.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The three wise men entered the manger, each bearing a gift for the messiah of commerce

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

After observing the generosity of the three wise men, and realizing the potential profit that could be gained from establishing an annual tradition of gift giving, Santa Christ built a workshop at the north pole.

 

 

 

 

 

 

He then filled the workshop with elves who could work around the clock building toys for all of the children around the world.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Without compensation, of course.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Gifts that can't be built by the indentured elves must be purchased from retailers.  Santa Christ can help by promoting these products.  

 

 

 

Companies would love to have the son of God as a spokesperson.

 

 

Like...

 

 

 

 

Fast Food Restaurants

 

 

 

 

 

 

Beer Companies

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Department Stores

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Computer Companies

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Car Companies

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

So Santa Christ loads up his sleigh and delivers toys to all of the children around the world

 

 

 

 

America

 

 

 

 

 

 

France

 

 

 

 

 

 

Iran

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Mexico

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Japan

 

 

 

Merry Christmas

 

 

 

HOME