The Celebrity Autopsy
Get Rich Quick
Are you looking for a way to get rich quick...
But you have no talent, no skills, and no personality?
Would you like to make way more money than you deserve...
But you are incredibly stupid and ugly?
Would you like to become independently wealthy...
But you have never held a job for more than a week and you are extremely lazy?
Would you like to have the admiration of millions of people...
But your most notable achievement is robbing a liquor store?
If this describes you,
We can make all of your dreams come true.
Thousands of people are getting rich in the incredibly lucrative business of
And they are getting rich with...
* No discernable talent
* No musical skills
* No education
* No literacy
* No money down
And you can too!
With this 90 second program, we will give you everything you need to know to make
in the rap/hip-hop industry
Carefully study the following lessons and you are guaranteed to make a billion dollars
in the rap and hip-hop industry.
Pick Your Rap Name
Rap artists always use a clever nickname to identify themselves.
In order for your fake street-thug persona to be believable, you must create a unique rap name for yourself.
Don't use your real name.
Look at how these masters of the hip-hop gimmick have changed their rather ordinary names into exciting hip-hop names.
Stage Name: Snoop Dog
Real Name: Cordozar Calvin Broadus
Anyway, Cordozar sounds like a ointment for ringworm
Stage Name: T-Pain
Real Name: Faheem Rasheed Najm
Anyway, Faheem Rasheed Najm sounds like the name of a suicide bomber.
Stage Name: Akon
Real Name: Aliaune Thiam
Anyway, Aliaune Thiam sounds like the active ingredient in Preparation H
Stage Name: The Game
Real Name: Jayceon Terrell Taylor
Anyway, Jayceon sounds like the toxic ingredient in oven cleaner
Stage Name: Jay Z
Real Name: Shawn Carter
Can't get any street cred with that honky-ass name.
Another reason to use a stage name is that hip-hop fans have
trouble retaining more than three syllables at a time.
If you are having trouble coming up with a unique rap name for yourself, you can use the chart below to create your very own name.
Just pick one word from each column. Put the three words together and your on your way to getting a Grammy.
|Column 1||Column 2||Column 3|
Create Your Look
Although most rap stars are soft, Beverly Hills-dwelling pussies,
keeping a tough, street-thug appearance is very important.
Here are some tips on maintaining that phony bad-boy image.
1. Don't Smile
Although most millionaires are fairly happy people, a rap star can not afford to look happy.
A happy rap star has no credibility with fans.
Here are some rap artists that fell into the happiness trap.
His single, "Dad is great, made us chocolate cake" never got much air play.
His single "I waxed Aunt Jemima's ass" debuted at number 102,986 on the charts.
His single, "My Mo-fizzle Dog is Plain Phat Ya'll?" was just plain stupid.
2. Carefully Choose Your Props
All rap artists use props to give the appearance of being wealthy while at the same time being a street thug. Although this is a contradiction, the dim-witted fans of rap music seem to buy into it.
Here are some essential hip-hop props
Poor dental hygiene is essential to the hip-hop image.
Here are some examples of grills
The "Classic" Grill
Lil Jon shows off this classic style. This grill is made of platinum and is studded with 4 carats of diamonds. However, his breath still stinks like shit.
The "French Fry" Grill
The late Biggie Smalls created this original grill while having his late mid-afternoon meal. Or perhaps he forgot to floss.
The "Single-Tooth" Grill
Ludacris shows off his 18K gold single-tooth grill. OK, that's good, Ludacris. We've all seen it now. Please shut your fucking mouth.
The "I'm The Last Person On The Planet To Realize I'm Gay" Grill
In an effort to resuscitate his failing career, Clay Aiken jumped on the hip-hop bandwagon by sporting this rather unique grill. Anyway, this is not the first time Clay has had a mouthful of wieners.
Nothing expresses the vacuous, shallow mentality of a rap star more than horrendously tacky jewelry.
Here are some examples of bling.
Flava Flav displays the bling that he stole off the wall from a hospital cafeteria and the crown that came with his kid's meal.
Eminem is modeling a 14K gold link chain with an ever-so-stylish gold crucifix. These fine pieces of jewelry accentuate his hairy man-tits and pot gut.
Tupac Shakur is wearing a 18K gold rope chain with Cavalli designer sunglasses. And it looks like he's lost some weight as well.
Prop # 3
Carrying a gun is a great way to increase CD sales and get some free publicity.
Shooting up a night club or killing a rival is a great way to help a faltering career.
However, be careful about which type of gun you choose to carry.
The process of self-promotion more of an art than a science.
Let's examine the most shameless self-promoter of all time.
No one has mastered the art of self-promotion better than Puff Daddy, Puffy, P-Diddy,
Dick-Diddle, or whatever his fucking name is this week.
Puff has discovered a way to make money that is even easier than making rap music.
Simply put your name on a product.
This requires even less talent than hip-hop music.
And Jiffy-Puff has put his name on a wide variety of products...
Well, that's it.
You now have everything you need to make a fortune as a rap star.
You may be asking.....
Don't I need some musical talent?
Of course you don't!
Hip-hop is the government cheese of music.
It's freely given to those who don't want to work for it.
Who wants to spend years perfecting true musical talent anyway?
Now go make a million, fuck-face.
To post a complaint or comment, send it to firstname.lastname@example.org.
All comments will posted uncensored, in their entirety, regardless of the content. Please include your name, comment and which webpage you're bitching about.
Date: August 19, 2017
Comment: Wow, your racist.
Name: Dr. Brown Loaf
Date: August 6, 2017
Comment: People can't take an Fucking joke, only haters actually use that haters term,,, get a friggin backbone or go cry to MAMA, Fucking funny and i like Hip hop BTW
Date: April 3, 2017
Comment: funny+big time hater=this website
Name: Weerd Gilders
Date: March 10, 2017
Date: January 10, 2017
Comment: This is awesome! I'm dead from laughing ..
Date: November 4, 2016
Comment: Devin is fat!
Date: October 19, 2016
Comment: I laughed. Hard. All of the above is nothing but the truth.
Date: October 1, 2016
Comment: tu de chire jai meré etr com toi
Name: MY EYES!
Date: September 30, 2016
Comment: Wow.... learn to use photoshop. While your at it, learn how to properly code too. this site looks like its straight outta 1996.
Name: bao banks
Date: September 22, 2016
Comment: hack my real name if you can why didnt you include 50cent with rabbit teeth i love rap musics but hate haters of progress i am a real gee the brain spark by 2pac to change the world expect like you expect jesus to come back i am coming tell the world about BAO BANKS
Name: Barak Obama
Date: March 20, 2016
Comment: Rap music is total shit