The Celebrity Autopsy

 

 

Get Rich Quick

 

 

Are you looking for a way to get rich quick...

 

But you have no talent, no skills, and no personality?

 

 

 

 

 

 

Would you like to make way more money than you deserve...

 

But you are incredibly stupid and ugly?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Would you like to become independently wealthy...

 

But you have never held a job for more than a week and you are extremely lazy?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Would you like to have the admiration of millions of people...

 

But your most notable achievement is robbing a liquor store?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

If this describes you,

 

Fear Not!

 

We can make all of your dreams come true.

 

 

 

 

Thousands of people are getting rich in the incredibly lucrative business of

Hip-Hop Music

 

 

 

And they are getting rich with...

 

* No discernable talent

* No musical skills

* No education

* No literacy

* No money down

 

 

And you can too!

 

 

 

With this 90 second program, we will give you everything you need to know to make

 

 MILLION$

 

in the rap/hip-hop industry

 

 

 

Carefully study the following lessons and you are guaranteed to make a billion dollars

in the rap and hip-hop industry.

 

 

 

 

Lesson 1

Pick Your Rap Name

 

 

 

Rap artists always use a clever nickname to identify themselves.

 

 

 

 

In order for your fake street-thug persona to be believable, you must create a unique rap name for yourself.

 

 

 

 

 

Don't use your real name.

 

 

 

 

Look at how these masters of the hip-hop gimmick have changed their rather ordinary names into exciting hip-hop names.

 

 

snoop dog

 Stage Name:  Snoop Dog

Real Name:  Cordozar Calvin Broadus

Anyway, Cordozar sounds like a ointment for ringworm

 

 

 

 

T-Pain

Stage Name:  T-Pain

Real Name:  Faheem Rasheed Najm

Anyway, Faheem Rasheed Najm sounds like the name of a suicide bomber.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Akon

Stage Name:  Akon

Real Name:  Aliaune Thiam

Anyway, Aliaune Thiam sounds like the active ingredient in Preparation H

 

 

 

 

 

The Game

Stage Name:  The Game

Real Name:  Jayceon Terrell Taylor

Anyway, Jayceon sounds like the toxic ingredient in oven cleaner

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jay-Z

Stage Name:  Jay Z

Real Name:  Shawn Carter

Can't get any street cred with that honky-ass name.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Another reason to use a stage name is that hip-hop fans have

trouble retaining more than three syllables at a time.

 

 

 

 

 

 

If you are having trouble coming up with a unique rap name for yourself, you can use the chart below to create your very own name.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Just pick one word from each column.  Put the three words together and your on your way to getting a Grammy.

 

Column 1 Column 2 Column 3
DJ Pee Blood
Masta' Bung Hole
MC Pink Shaft
Tha' Fat Loaf
Dr. Corn Trickle
Young Brown Gash
G Stink Unit
Lil' Short Sniff
Busta' Fresh Nut

       

 

 

 

 

Lesson 2

Create Your Look

 

   Although most rap stars are soft, Beverly Hills-dwelling pussies,

keeping a tough, street-thug appearance is very important.

 

 

 

 

Here are some tips on maintaining that phony bad-boy image.

 

 

 

1.  Don't Smile

 

 

Although most millionaires are fairly happy people, a rap star can not afford to look happy.

 

A happy rap star has no credibility with fans.

 

Here are some rap artists that fell into the happiness trap.

 

 

 

Bill Cosby rap racist ghetto

His single, "Dad is great, made us chocolate cake" never got much air play.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Uncle Ben Rice Rap

His single "I waxed Aunt Jemima's ass" debuted at number 102,986 on the charts.

 

 

 

 

 

Buckwheat eddie murphy

His single, "My Mo-fizzle Dog is Plain Phat Ya'll?" was just plain stupid.

 

 

 

 

 

2. Carefully Choose Your Props

 

 

All rap artists use props to give the appearance of being wealthy while at the same time being a street thug.  Although this is a contradiction, the dim-witted fans of rap music seem to buy into it.

 

 Here are some essential hip-hop props

 

 

 

Prop #1

The Grill

 

 

Poor dental hygiene is essential to the hip-hop image.

 

Here are some examples of grills

 

 

 

lil jon

The "Classic" Grill

Lil Jon shows off this classic style.  This grill is made of platinum and is studded with 4 carats of diamonds.  However, his breath still stinks like shit.

 

 

 

 

 

 

biggie smalls notorious B.I.G.

The "French Fry" Grill

The late Biggie Smalls created this original grill while having his late mid-afternoon meal.  Or perhaps he forgot to floss.

 

 

 

 

 

Ludacris sucks

The "Single-Tooth" Grill

Ludacris shows off his 18K gold single-tooth grill.  OK, that's good, Ludacris.  We've all seen it now.  Please shut your fucking mouth.

 

 

 

 

 

Clay Aiken

The "I'm The Last Person On The Planet To Realize I'm Gay" Grill

In an effort to resuscitate his failing career, Clay Aiken jumped on the hip-hop bandwagon by sporting this rather unique grill.  Anyway, this is not the first time Clay has had a mouthful of wieners.

 

 

 

 

Prop #2

 

The Bling

 

Nothing expresses the vacuous, shallow mentality of a rap star more than horrendously tacky jewelry.

 

Here are some examples of bling.

 

 

 

Flava Flav clock

Flava Flav displays the bling that he stole off the wall from a hospital cafeteria and the crown that came with his kid's meal.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Eminem

Eminem is modeling a 14K gold link chain with an ever-so-stylish gold crucifix.  These fine pieces of jewelry accentuate his hairy man-tits and pot gut. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tupac Shakur

Tupac Shakur is wearing a 18K gold rope chain with Cavalli designer sunglasses.  And it looks like he's lost some weight as well.

 

 

 

 

 

Prop # 3

The Gun

 

Carrying a gun is a great way to increase CD sales and get some free publicity.

 

Shooting up a night club or killing a rival is a great way to help a faltering career.

 

However, be careful about which type of gun you choose to carry.

 

 

 

50 Cent

Good Choice

 

 

 

 

 

dumb nigger rapper

Bad Choice

 

 

 

 

Lesson 3

Promote Yourself

The process of self-promotion more of an art than a science.

Let's examine the most shameless self-promoter of all time.

 

Puff Daddy

 

No one has mastered the art of self-promotion better than Puff Daddy, Puffy, P-Diddy,

Dick-Diddle, or whatever his fucking name is this week.

 

 

 

 

 

Puff has discovered a way to make money that is even easier than making rap music.

 

 

Simply put your name on a product.

 

 

This requires even less talent than hip-hop music.

 

 

 

 

 

And Jiffy-Puff has put his name on a wide variety of products...

 

 

 

 

Perfume

Diddy purfume

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Vodka

Puffy Diddy vodka

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Underwear

Diddy puff daddy underwear shit stain

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Breakfast Cereal

frosted diddy puffs

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tampons

Diddy tampons twat pussy

 

 

 

 

Well, that's it.

 

You now have everything you need to make a fortune as a rap star.

 

 

 

You may be asking.....

 

 

 

Don't I need some musical talent?

 

 

 

 

Of course you don't!

 

 

 

 

Hip-hop is the government cheese of music.

 

 

It's freely given to those who don't want to work for it.

 

 

Who wants to spend years perfecting true musical talent anyway?

 

 

 

 

 

Now go make a million, fuck-face.

 

 

To post a complaint or comment, send it to thecelebrityautopsy@gmail.com

All comments will posted uncensored, in their entirety, regardless of the content. Please include your name, comment and which webpage you're bitching about.

 

Name: h.h.

Date: August 19, 2017

Comment: Wow, your racist.

__________________________

 

Name: Dr. Brown Loaf

Date: August 6, 2017

Comment: People can't take an Fucking joke, only haters actually use that haters term,,, get a friggin backbone or go cry to MAMA, Fucking funny and i like Hip hop BTW

__________________________

 

Name: robby-d

Date: April 3, 2017

Comment: funny+big time hater=this website

__________________________

 

Name: Weerd Gilders

Date: March 10, 2017

Comment: Hateeeeersssssss

__________________________

 

Name: kok

Date: January 10, 2017

Comment: This is awesome! I'm dead from laughing ..

__________________________

 

Name: Sexyyy

Date: November 4, 2016

Comment: Devin is fat!

__________________________

 

Name: Kenny

Date: October 19, 2016

Comment: I laughed. Hard. All of the above is nothing but the truth.

__________________________

 

Name: mc-key

Date: October 1, 2016

Comment: tu de chire jai meré etr com toi

__________________________

 

Name: MY EYES!

Date: September 30, 2016

Comment: Wow.... learn to use photoshop. While your at it, learn how to properly code too. this site looks like its straight outta 1996.

__________________________

 

Name: bao banks

Date: September 22, 2016

Comment: hack my real name if you can why didnt you include 50cent with rabbit teeth i love rap musics but hate haters of progress i am a real gee the brain spark by 2pac to change the world expect like you expect jesus to come back i am coming tell the world about BAO BANKS

__________________________

 

Name: Barak Obama

Date: March 20, 2016

Comment: Rap music is total shit

__________________________

 

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