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The News That Doesn't Matter

Tina Fay received the "I'm Not Funny Unless I Am Imitating A Politician" award for her portrayal of Sarah Palin.  In her acceptance speech, she said, "I am so grateful to Sarah.  Without her, I would be just another two-bit, washed-up SNL alumni hack.  Oh wait. I am a two-bit, washed-up SNL alumni hack."  She then impaled herself with the award.

Doctors finally removed the dog that has been living in Sarah Silverman's vagina.  Afterwards, Jimmy Kimmel commented, "I just figured that her cheeseburger had fleas because she's a nasty gutter whore."

Fans line up for a P-Diddy prostate exam.

God, I'm sick of this dip-shit already.

Today, Bruce Springsteen invited an audience member to pull his finger but, because of his advanced age, he shit in his pants.

Demi Moore was charged with performing lewd and lascivious acts with a child.  Her victim, Ashton Kutcher, came to her defense, saying, "It's all my fault.  I just have a thing for senior citizens."

Michael Jackson finally disintegrated today.  He was 51.

John Goodman ate Jack Black and James Gandolfini for breakfast today.  When asked why he did it, Goodman replied, "I had to make sure there is only one pathetic, fat ass slob in Hollywood."

At a press conference today, Carrot Top denied rumors that he is gay.

At a separate press conference, Carrot Top's asshole refuted the claim.

Victoria Beckham will be releasing a perfume that will bear her name.  Beckham said, "I wanted to create a fragrance that captures the true essence of myself and everything I stand for."

It smells like a royal cunt.

Stephen Colbert finally admitted today that his television persona as a hardcore patriot is just an act.  He admitted that he actually hates America, supports a constitutional amendment legalizing marriage between a man and a shovel handle, supports giving free heroin to elementary school children, not only opposes the death penalty but believes murderers should be given a good scolding and be set free, and thinks Al Franken is sexy.  Colbert and his five polygamist husbands are trying to adopt a 16 year old weightlifter next year.

Liberal commentator Keith Olberman commented, "I am proud that Stephen Colbert has made a stand for the liberal values that we believe in.  Now, does anyone have a child I can rape?"

This is a public service announcement.  We are getting reports that a large group of sexual deviants dressed as telephone technicians are stalking innocent people in the downtown area.  This man is the ring leader.  If you see this man, grab the nearest sharp object and plant it in his fucking forehead.

Comedy Central announced that they would be canceling "Mind of Mancia."  Now that Carlos Mancia is gone, the program directors have decided to change the name of the network to reflect the current lineup.

Danny Devito and his wife, Rhea Perlman, have finally released photos of their newborn son.

Troll Devito weighed 8 lbs. at birth.    Most people think that Troll resembles his mom most, although it's a shitty deal either way.

Rosie O'Donnell announced that she has surgically implanted a vagina where her mouth used to be.   When asked why she did such a thing, she replied, "Bli blust blanted blo ble bloser blo bly blirlfiend."

After releasing their latest CD entitled "Hard as a flaccid penis in Antarctica," the Jonas Brothers have officially killed rock-and-roll as we know it.  A spokesperson for rock-and-roll said, "We are sad to see the rebellion of rock music has been beaten beyond recognition by these sweater-wearing angels of mirth.  The only hope rock-and-roll has of surviving is if some drug addicted whore could get them hooked on crank while giving them the clap."  

Amy Winehouse said she'll be over Thursday.

In an effort to keep the hit show, American Idol, fresh and interesting, the producers are implementing some program changes for the next season.

Paula Abdul will now play the part of the egotistical prick with a fake British accent.  When asked what she thought of the change, she said, "I think that...you know....it's really...well...I mean...the nice thing about it is....you can really be good...but...well...I mean..."  This went on for 45 minutes.

Randy Jackson will now play the part of the washed-up, dim-witted 80's pop star who is now addicted to pills. When asked what he thought of the change, he said, "Yo yo, dog!  I mean, waz up, dog!  It's kind of pitchy. Yo yo! Yo yo!  Randy's in tha' house!"  We still aren't sure what the fuck he is talking about.

Simon Cowell will now play the part of the pathetically uncool black guy who has a 30 word vocabulary to work from.  When asked what he thought of the change, he said, "It's absolutely dreadful."

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