Rating for a movie that may be inappropriate for young children.  This rating is used to make G-rated movies more appealing to older children and adults.  

   PG-13 - Parents Strongly Cautioned

Rating for a movie that should not be viewed by anyone under 13 years of age.  This rating was created when Hollywood realized how much money they were losing by not allowing teenagers to watch R rated movies.  Instead of improving the quality of the movies, Hollywood decided to lower the standard.  

R - Restricted

No one under the age of 17 can see these movies without being accompanied by an adult.  Thus, they will have to wait to rent the movie at Blockbuster next week.  

X or NC-17 - Adult content

  Movies you masturbate to.  

Obviously, movie ratings are now used to evaluate the quality of the movie rather than to protect the vulnerable sensibilities of children and teenagers.  The time has come to completely overhaul the current movie rating system.   Presented for the first (and last) time is ......  

The New

Movie Rating System

ML - Martin Lawrence

This rating is for a movie that stars an actor that is not funny in a situation that could be funny if the script wasn’t written by a mentally retarded third grader.  The rating pays tribute to Martin Lawrence, who is the master of unfunny funny movies.  

CG - Computer Graphics

This rating is for a movie that has more computer generated characters than real people, which wouldn’t be bad if the animated characters didn’t look like they were animated. 

SQ - Sequel

Shitty sequel to a good movie.   

  PQ - Prequel 

Even shittier prequel to a good movie. A prequel usually indicates that they either ran the sequels into the ground or all of the actors from the original movie are now old as George Washington's foreskin.  

     DVD

     Movie that is so bad, it should have been released straight to DVD. 

RM - Remake

This rating is given to a movie that is a half-ass remake of an older movie.  All Tim Burton movies will be given this rating.

BW - Black/White

This rating is given to a black guy/white guy buddy movie, where the characters are usually cops.  The white guy is usually stiff and uncool, and the black guy spends an hour and a half joking about how stiff and uncool white people are.

CF - Chick Flick

Usually a movie about a man and woman who bumble around for an hour and a half before they admit that they love each other. All Matthew Mcconaughey movies will be given this rating.

RH - Raping History

A movie that is supposed to be based on an historical event, but has so many fictional elements added, usually a love story, that the movie has no historical value whatsoever.  Many Americans get their history lessons from these glistening turds.

NS - Not Scary

A scary movie that is not scary.  Startling the audience with people appearing suddenly or with unexpected loud noises is not scary.  Watching people being tortured is not scary.  Looking at Kate Hudson’s face is scary.

NF - Not Funny

Drama that stars a comedian who is trying to be a serious actor but is still laughable. All Jim Carey and Adam Sandler movies will be given this rating.  This rating does not include serious actors who are just plain laughable, such as Alec Baldwin.

DF - Defies Physics

An action movie where the actors are capable of feats that are humanly impossible, such as jumping a drawbridge in a car without being killed.  These movies can also be identified by the frequent cries from the audience of “Yea, right!”

AS - Arnold Schwarzenegger

An action movie that stars a big, muscle-bound, cretin that can’t act, can't speak English, and is incapable of showing any emotion.  Movies that star Steven Seagal, Jean-Claude Van Damme, Jason Statham, Vin Diesel, or any other steroid-ridden retard fall into this category.

POS - Piece of Shit

Any recent Quentin Tarantino movie.

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