The Celebrity Autopsy

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Welcome to the 2009

Swollen Hemorrhoid Awards

Each year we present the Golden Rhoid

The coveted award presented to the person who has done the most to perpetuate extreme racial stereotypes

This year's award ceremony is brought to you by these race-neutral sponsors

Cream of Wheat

Aunt Jo-Mammy Pancakes

Uncle Tom's Brown Rice

Mrs. Stallworth syrup

Big colored guy that sells vegetables

... and Picaninny brand watermelon

Now let's meet the judges...

Every panel of judges must include at least one asshole with a British accent.  Please welcome Alan Rickman!

Judge number two is the air-headed bimbo of the group.  Please welcome Julia Roberts!

Judge number three is the mildly retarded loud-mouth of the group.  David Hasslehauf was busy so we got Alec Baldwin instead.

And the nominees for the Swollen Hemorrhoid Award are...

Nominee #1

Michael Vick

For perpetuating the stereotype

Black NFL players don't like dogs

Michael Vick after prison

Let's hear from the judges

Alan Rickman, any advice?

Nominee #2

Glen Beck

For perpetuating the stereotype

White people are irrational lunatics

The Glen Beck Show

Well Julia, what do you think of this nominee?

Nominee #3

Serena Williams

For perpetuating the stereotype

Black chicks scare the shit out of me

Serena's outburst at the US Open

Alec Baldwin, what advice can you give this nominee?

Nominee #4

Tyler Perry

For perpetuating the stereotype

Black people are irrational lunatics

It's hard to imagine a person who has done more to reinforce extreme racial stereotypes than Tyler Perry

Tyler Perry...

dresses up like Madea...

and reinforces the erroneous notion that black people are ignorant, loud-mouths...

who are angry and carry weapons...

and who all end up in jail.

And Tyler Perry's new movie reinforces even more stereotypes!

Sounds racist to me

Alan Rickman, what do you think of this nominee?

And the winner of the 2009 Swollen Hemorrhoid Award is...

Kanye West

For perpetuating the stereotype

Black guys are dicks

Kanye West at the 2009 VMA awards

Mr. West has dominated this award show in recent years. 

Let's look at some highlights.

Kanye West 2008 winner of the Crusty Cock award

Kanye West at the MTV Europe music awards (actual quote)

Kanye West 2007 winner of the Shaved Taint award

Kanye West on why he should win a Grammy for Album of the Year (he didn't win).

Kanye West 2006 winner of the Excellence in Dickheadery award

Kanye West's commenting on losing the American Music award for Best New Artist

And what a superb dick-smear he is!

Well, that wraps up this year's show.  I would like to thank our judges...

Alan Rickman

Julia Roberts

and Alec Baldwin

and remember

No matter what race you are

Don't be a dick

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