The Celebrity Autopsy


Here is a list of things that I would do...





If I Were God







I would make everyone the same color, which would force people to find new reasons to kill each other








I would fold Geraldo Rivera inside-out and roll him in salt










I would give Mrs. God huge tits










I would make all lesbians allergic to flannel.  Just for laughs.









I would put all women's vaginas on their foreheads.  So we can see them.









I would divulge the secret to free, perpetual energy to an Eskimo, and then have a polar bear eat him.










I would simultaneously reincarnate every single aborted child as a rabid kitten









I would make questions induce projectile vomiting










I would simultaneously appear to every person who suffers from schizophrenia and tell them to bite as many people as possible








I would reduce the size of every African American's penis by 75%.  For equality's sake.










I would make every single person speak his or her own language that no other person could understand. This would dramatically reduce arguing.








I wouldn't let anyone into heaven.  Most people annoy the shit out of me.








I would make dreams have commercials.







I would make Ashton Kutcher immortal and then torture him in the most painful methods possible for all eternity







I would feed the gerbil that lives in Alec Baldwin's asshole growth hormone










I would become the President of the United States and make my vice president a 350 lb Puerto Rican lesbian scientologist who can't speak English.  Then I would commit suicide just to piss everyone off.










I would rewrite the Torah, the Bible and the Koran with one-syllable words and short sentences.  I would also add lots of pictures and a pop-up section in the middle.  This way not even the most dimwitted religious zealot shit-for-brains could use them to justify killing other people.








I would make myself imaginary